“[After boyfriend at the time told me that he played WoW]
“WOAH that game is OUT?!”
[goes to look at game website]
“WOAH YOU CAN BE A SHAMAN?? I WANT TO USE BLOODLUST!”
[boyfriend loads up WoW to show it to me]
“OMIGOD THAT LOOKS SO COOL!!!”
[he tells me that he is Alliance. Oh, and since this is vanilla, there is no bloodlust!]
“…I think we should break up.”

5 years, 2 “attempts to quit” and 7 boyfriends later…

“I can’t date a guy who doesn’t play WoW. But he has to be good at PVP and can’t play a hunter and has to play Horde and not make me pay to transfer to his server and my guild has to like him and… fuck it, I’m just going to q up for some random heroics on all of my 80s all night.”"

Meanwhile, you are stuck wondering “….what the fuck am I doing?”

Don’t worry! I am going to help you figure things out. Forget all your stammering level 80 friends who are raiding Ulduar. They’re too busy jerking off to spell rotation threads on Elitist Jerks to actually give you a SOLID explanation of what it is you’re getting into. I, on the other hand, have plenty of time to make sure you don’t get stuck being a useless WoW whore.

Step One: Know Your Server Type

By now you’ve heard people trying to bribe you to their server with promises of it being “Pee Vee Pee” or “Pee Vee Ee” or “Arr Pee.” And you’re thinking ‘what the hell does any of that even mean?!’ There are four types of servers available to play on in WoW.

• PVE (pee-vee-ee) aka ‘Player Vs Environment’ aka ‘Carebear Server’: Most guys hate this kind of server. They think it lacks challenge. This is because you can play the game quietly without any interruptions unless you purposely flag yourself for PVP. Stupid version: If you actually want to play this as a game and be left alone, play here. I recommend a PVE server to any girl if this is their first MMO.
• PVP (pee-vee-pee) aka ‘Player Vs Player’: Servers heavy with fat, mouth-breathing assholes who have nothing better to do than kill you over and over and over while you are trying to reach level cap. Once you leave the starting area, you are open game for anyone from the opposing faction. Leveling on one of these servers can take twice as long because someone always thinks it’s funny to kill people 40 levels below them. Stupid version: Unless you are very patient and/or have a friend on this server who will protect you the ENTIRE TIME, you will have to do most of your playing late at night or in the early morning. Otherwise, prepare to get pissed.
• RP (arr-pee) aka ‘RP-PVE’ aka ‘Role Play’: Most people who play any sort of game know what role playing is. If you don’t, you are in for a wonderful surprise if you roll on one of these servers. Basically, you can’t name yourself something stupid like “Bradssexkitten.” The other role play rules are pretty much ignored now adays. Once in a while, you’ll catch someone who is still into RP-walking (press the / key on your number pad to rp-walk!) and who will ignore the fact that they are really a skinny 22 year old in their parents kitchen with no car but, in fact, Galavantte the paladin of Silvermoon. RP-PVE means more RP-walking and less stabbing. Stupid version: Play here if you want to pretend the game is real. Sometimes you can get cyber sex in the Inns. And gold.
• RP-PVP: The same as RP-PVE except you get killed all the time. But at least the guys on this server are sort of creative. Sort of.

Step Two: Choosing Your Faction and Race

There are two factions to chose from in this game- The Alliance and The Horde. Now, if you are playing on a server with friends, you don’t have much of a choice what faction your character will be. However, sometimes someone will offer to reroll with you and let you pick what you want to be and do. This is where choosing a faction comes in.

I will give you a brief summary of the factions, why to play said faction based on the lore, why everyone else picks that faction, and then give you a break-down on the races available to you in a similar fashion.

Let’s begin.

The Alliance

The Alliance is pretty much The Fellowship of The Ring. There are the pretty, magical races who want to do good in the world and then they ally up with the arrogant humans whose greed and stupidity help fuck shit up.

Why To Play- Lore: The Alliance are very much into “The Light.” This doesn’t necessarily make them good, but it is something you commonly hear spoken of. There is an air of commradery among all Alliance factions that seems a bit absent in The Horde. There is a lot of elegance to be found in Alliance cities as well. The Alliance is also home to a few bad ass heros like Tyrande Whisperwind (link) and Rhonin (link).

Why Everyone Else Plays: This is the “prettier” faction, as you will soon see. Most of the time, people will pick this faction based purely on looks. If you don’t any of the back story for the races or factions or are only familiar with Lord of The Rings, it’s also easy to assume that The Alliance are “the good guys.” There is also a humor value in playing gnomes. You will probably come across lots of kids when you play as this faction.

• Humans have caused all sorts of trouble in the WoW Universe. Without Arthas, there would be no Lich King. Without Medivh, there would be no Dark Portal. Without Kel Thuzzard, there would be no Scourge.  The Stormwind humans are probably what you will see the most, aside from Night Elves. They are safe, generic, and pretty pure looking.
  
  

  usually played by a guy.

  

  Once he hits the barber shop, he will get GOKU HAIR!

  Their king is a huge Horde-hating douche with a chunky pony-tail.

• Dwarfs have, until recently, been a pretty uninteresting race. They drink beer, mine gems, and make friendly with the gnomes. Now we find out that they were created by The Titans (link) and have all sorts of drama up in Ulduar. Their city, Ironforge, is considered the Alliance equivalent to The Horde’s Undercity. It’s circular, confusing, and there is a tramway you can fall into and be stuck in for hours. Not a very pretty race. Only the brave few will roll a dwarf.
  

  This screams "I am a bitch"

  

  Why would you NOT make your drawf look like Santa? Hmm??

  The king of the Dwarfs has two brothers who can’t seem to stay put. He is the boring one. Zzzz.

• Gnomes are Blizzard’s little joke. Booted out of their underground city of Gnomeregan, they live in Ironroge with the Dwarves. They’re the most difficult to spot, waver between hilarious and adorable, and are the most infuriating to be killed by. They are really into tinkering/ engineering. They’re cute little nerds. Lots of guys who play Alliance have at least one gnome character.
  

  80% of female gnome players look like this.

  

  This guy probably has a dorky voice on Vent

  The leader of the gnomes is the biggest gnome (lol) and he can tinker well.

• The Dranei race was recently added in The Burning Crusade expansion. They crash landed in a space ship. … yeah I know… They also have hooves. And tentacles. But before you are like “oh EWWWW!” let’s take a look at what they look like.
  

  Alright no one really cares about this guy.

  

  HELLO wuwuu <3

  They are lead by some Prophet named Velen who wears a coat and appearantly should not have been driving the space ship.

• Night Elves…where do I even begin…? The Night Elves were immortal pets/ favorites of the Old Gods who lived in the woods. Then the queen got all crazy from playing with magic and tried to let demons into the world. She was stopped by the druid Malfurion and his girlfriend Tyrance Whisperwind. Then his brother Illidan went fucked shit up again anyway. Their entire lore is actually very interesting, but that is NOT the reason that they are the most over-used race for the Alliance.

Hi I am dark and brooding.

awww yea you like Daddy? You like??

They’re lead by Tyrande Whisperwind and Malfurion Stormrage (who is trapped in some place called The Emerald Dream).

The Horde

The Horde, despite any other fantasy game you may have played, is not what you may think it is. True, it is the home of many blood-thirsy killers, but it has it’s soft side. A really bloody soft side.

Why to Play- Lore: The Horde are the underdogs of this game. Most races are recovering from some sort of horrible tragedy or are exiles from some blood-crazed tribe. They are much darker than the Alliance, but extremely honorable. To be a part of the Horde is almost like being in The Mafia- you are family until you fuck up. Then you die. And if you survive, then you’re a legend. The Horde is the home of bad asses like Thrall (link) and Sylvanas (link).

Why Everyone Else Plays: Almost anyone who played the first three Warcraft games realizes just how bad ass The Horde is. Most people who roll Horde want to either be evil or hardcore. There have been a lot more kids playing Horde since the addition of the Blood Elf race, but it’s a small price to pay. The Horde is definitely not glamorous, but it makes up for looks with bad assness.

• The Forsaken are lucid zombies who were killed by a plague spread by the Lich King. But more importantly THEY ARE ZOMBIES. Their main base is The Undercity, whose elevators have killed everyone at least once. This is the race that people tend to find the most “bad ass” because of their evil laughs and the creepy/ gross facial fatures you can give them.
  

  Probably played by a guy listening to Ozzy.

  

  Either a really cool girl, an old guy, or a goth.

  Their leader is the Banshee Queen Sylvanas. She recently underwent a model change and looks so bad ass it makes you embarassed of your gear, no matter what level you are.

• Orcs are very under appreciated by the players of WoW. It’s almost impossible to make an attractive or “cool” looking character for them. Most orcs are someone’s alt. It’s pretty fun to watch them dance. Their home city of Orgrimmar is big and twisty, but the mailbox, bank, and auction house are very close to each other so this city is usually heavily populated.
  

  Typical Orc

  

  played by an ugly and/ or beefy girl. Or a bank alt.

  The Orcs are lead by the biggest bad ass in the world (ask anyone!), Thrall.

• Trolls. Oh trolls… They started out as cannibalistic voodoo head hunters. After Thrall saved their leader Sen’Jin, the Darkspear joined up with him. I’ll be honest- Trolls are sexy. Most people who make a female troll will pick the “pretty” face. I prefer a gruffer, “I will eat your heart” face. There’s something about their jungle voodoo that I can’t turn down.
  

  You come get da voodoo.

  

  asdjhsdjhfg sssexyyyy

  The Trolls are currently lead by Vol’jin and they live with the Orcs in Orgrimmar.

• The Tauren are the Horde’s less-attractive answer to Night Elves. Their cities and towns are very Native American in style and they practice the same druidic magic as the Night Elves do. It takes a certain type of guy to play a Tauren. And a certain type of girl to play a Tauren. There’s no real back story about these guys and Thunder Bluff is a huge pain in the ass. But they’re loveable and cuddly.
  

  I find you strangely alluring in that burly way.

  

  Don't get mad. It's true.

  They’re lead by some guy that no one really cares about. Poor guy. During Children’s Week, he is actually useful, though!

• Blood Elves. If there is any race who has a crazy fucked up back story, it’s these guys. They started out as High Elves exiled from the Night Elves. Then Arthas slaughtered most of them and so they changed their name to Blood Elves. The entire time, they are raging crack addicts addicted to arcane magic. They love magic almost as much as they love themselves.
  

  So pretty.... want to touch...

  

  This reeks of "wow whore"

  The Blood Elves were lead by Kael’Thas. He wanted to help them stop craving arcane magic and got addicted to demonic magic instead. He’s an end boss in a dungeon AND a raid. Now they’re lead by some other guy that no one ever talks to. But we all remember big, goofy-toothed Kael’Thas.

This needs some heavy revising but I’m going to publish it any work on it later.

Coming next in Part Two: Classes, Spell Basics, and When To Be A Girl.

Let’s do add ons where I didn’t take screen shots, first.

Reagent Restocker is something I went out and downloaded right away. It’s a light little tool that will refresh my supply of reagents at the appropriate vendors, auto repair my gear if it’s damaged, and auto sell my greys. It will also auto sell or buy any other item you put on your shopping/ sell list as well as stock itself out of your bank. Tell it to auto repair from your guild’s bank, for lols!

Chat Sounds is something I couldn’t live without. It makes a cute little “bleep” whenever I get sent a tell or someone has spoken in raid and/ or party chat. This newer version now gives you several sound choices for chats of any sort.

On to the ones with pictures!

Cartographer is a nice map enhancer. I prefer it because it doesn’t let the map cover my entire screen. I can still activly play my characters while the map is up so I can continue to play my next route.

It also gives you moused-over zone information

There is an adjustable foglight for those who want to see where they still havn't been, too!

Deadly Boss Mods is one of those add ons that seems sort of stupid to have unless you are raiding. However, I find it to come in handy while i am in battlegrounds. It has pop up timers and announcments. The timers are what I really use.

Simply shift-click to announce to the raid!

Decursive simply makes your cleansing job easier. The raid is displayed as little squares that you simply have to click to cast your appropriate cleansing spell. For example, on Beledash I left click to Reomve Curse and right click to Polymorph if a target is posessed. On Desi, things are a bit more complicated because she has more than one spell unless she is resto specc’d (though I hear in the new patch, this will be resolved).

Resto is much easier.

IceHUD is my new play toy. Instead of freaking out while I stare at my HP and MP bars at the top of my screen, I can now do it in the center of my screen. In fact, I can put pretty much anything in the middle of my screen. Enemy’s health? Done. Cast bar? What the hell, let’s add that too!

Observe.

When I'm out of combat, it's all nice and faded.

Right now I’m having a hard time getting it to let me use a different bar style for each character, but that’s a small price to pay for glamour.

Last but not least…

Quest Helper. Everybody’s favorite power leveling tool that, like Vent and Omen, Blizzard is trying to replace in this next patch. Since I personally don’t care for the in game voice chat or the in game threat system, I’m sure this will still be one of the top downloaded add ons on Curse. It doesn’t require a very lengthy description other than the fact that it assists you with the locations or generals areas you need to be present in to complete yours quests with as much efficiency as possibly. You have the option of raising or lowering a quest’s priority, which is always handy when it keeps telling me to do a three person group quest when I am clearly playing without a group. Sometimes it wigs out on me in dungeons, but this is a small price to pay for the HELP it gives me with QUESTS (hur).

Demonstration in 3…2…1…

This asshole has a daily quest for me? Sure I'll take it. I like money.

Now where do I go- OH SNAP! If I follow the dotted line, I can find what I need! And there are additional mobs in the glowing red areas too!

This post was pretty extensive. Next, I think I’ll be working on a class over-view from a lazy girl’s perspective. This sure beats posting stupid screenshots of myself playing.

…speaking of which.

Beni and I unintentionally made a lock and a priest that looked like eachother.

Now there are lots more dirty details. I didn’t extend the timeline anymore because it was meant to catch readers up to the point where I started the blog. And if you read this you probably know me anyway and know that Random and I aren’t together anymore and that he quit playing.

Better posts still coming.

It was SUPPOSED to be so I could explain to my non WoW playing friends how the game worked. And to stop my mom from always looking over my shoulder asking me if I was playing that game where I was a princess on a dragon again.

Instead I made a WoW photo album. Ughhh I get very excited when I have entertaining pictures to share. I’m going to post a few and then work on a post with actual content. Yuck.

Beni and I got matching mammoths

Alts that Barry and I made

Parade the Andy started with his chopper

Coming Soon: Revised introduction! Another look at my add ons! And how to pick a class that you will love forever and ever!

Not only was my name no longer original

come ON! :[

I decided to go back to home sweet home on Emerald Dream and kick it with Beni.

Our shamans got matching sheilds!

chillin

Grissam's lapdance

Oh Battlegrounds, I missed you!

top heals top heals and more top heals

Oh Firetree Alliance! You're so useless!

I decided to work on my skinning. I made lots of friends!

what a loser. he only gave me light leather :(

hey. HEY! LISTEN TO ME!

This guy was SO rude!

  then the McDreamy of shamans logged on. Oh man. <3

oh god. more sex than punch.

All that nasty arena gear made me feel bad. So I had to get on Desi and save face.

who, ho?

I’ve been Horde since before I even opened the box! I’ve been Horde ever since I made Thrall run around in the Warcraft 3 starter level! Ohhh how can anyone actually want to be Alliance? :(

Things have been slow on Desi and Beledash. I’m too lazy to do heroics and I’m pretty much grinding honor and tokens in BGs which may as well be the same as me taking a nap on my keyboard.  So, after much deliberation, I ventured out into the world of my mortal in-game enemies.

I give you Lessqueque of Firetree!

I impressed myself by getting to level 60 last night in between BGs on Desi and some agressive unwarrented beat downs on Honor Hold with Beledash. 

The Outland chains are very different and seem to involve a lot more tranveling than Horde. However, because I’ve already done this place in my sleep and I was smart enough to go blood, things have been a-okay. 

You know, other than my contempt for fraternizing with the enemy.